John Holden, you are a hater of women. Your crimes against this woman has not gone unnoticed. You have left the toilet seat up one too many times, I've lost count. Your pee has made a dangerous golden river for me to slip on, my precious head has almost cracked. You expect maiden service to not just put back your clothes, but all your things in general. Doth thou know you are speaking to the queen? You have also disturbed my royal slumber with early Fortnite sessions with the boys. I have been awoken by "Knocked em", "Hit em with the justice", and various grunts and squeals.

Yet, as thou dost plead thy case for mercy, I shall confess that thou dost cook, clean, and brush thy Queen's hair with great favour and devotion. Such deeds have not gone unnoticed, despite thy other scruples and misdeeds. Therefore, by the grace of the Crown, mercy shall be granted unto thee.